When the funeral director suggested we each write a letter to our mom and place it in the coffin with her I shrugged at the suggestion. She wasn’t going to read it so what was the point? I don’t believe the all-too-common statement that the dead are still with us in a sense and guiding us. Thoughts like these aren’t Biblical and contradict its teaching.
But then I began to think I would want to remember things that the years ahead might steal. What if I forgot things like my sweet momma loved cucumbers and almost always had some in a little plastic baggie? So I sat down and wrote the following not for her but for me.
Mama,
You’ve been gone all of two days and it already feels way too long since we’ve talked. I hear something sweet that Bear or Mila says and I want to call you and tell you how much they love you, how much we all love you! Mila came walking into my room in your nightgown, your purse on her arm, your necklace dangling from her tiny neck, I immediately took a picture to show you how she was processing this terrible loss. Then I shook my head, what was I thinking? With every milestone of Harper or Everett, I won’t be able to get on Messenger and see your smile as I share it with you. You always loved to celebrate your great-grandchildren’s accomplishments! Oh, how I wish I could see your eyes light up as you find out that you are gaining another great-grandchild, Luca, in October. When will the urge to video chat with you stop? Do I even want it to?
When something good happened in my life you were happier about it than anyone else in the world. You were a mom who took great delight in your role as a mother, which showed me what a good mom is. You were with me in California for every birth by God’s grace. What a wonderful miracle that was! Thank you for moving there for those few years. You didn’t know you were doing it for me, you thought it was for Dad. During that time, I came to know you better than ever and my kids fell in love with you too. Thank you for watching them when I worked. Thank you for setting such a solid foundation for them. You lived a selfless life and were a great example to all of us.
I’m already missing your visits to Texas and all the laughs we would have. How I wish you could have been able to live here with us each winter. What I wouldn’t give now to have you place your empty water glass off to the side of the sink on the counter so “I didn’t waste time washing it.” Why that used to bother me I’ll never know. It is crazy what we think is important during our brief time here on earth.
I think about your last visit for Chloe’s wedding, how small and beautiful you looked in Lisa’s extra dress. We couldn’t believe how much weight you lost and how the outfit you brought just swallowed you whole. What a gift it was that you could join us in that happy time. And then I think about how it broke both of our hearts that Kyle didn’t get that same gift of your presence at his wedding. Although, we all understand that international travel was no longer in the cards for you. My kids all love you more than you’ll ever know. Your humility would never allow you to see it.
I can’t believe I have to wait until I’m in heaven to see you again. It’s not going to be easy. I’m not even sure if I can do it. This isn’t fair.
How do I say good-bye to the woman who brought me into this world, loved me unconditionally, and taught me to follow my dreams? I can’t, it’s too hard. So I’ll say, see you again one day and ask that you please be there to greet me. I can’t wait to see your beautiful little face and your huge smile. You’ll have a mouth full of teeth again so I’ll try to sneak in a few cucumbers.
Love you dearly.
